When should I seek professional help to get over a relationship, and how can psychotherapy support me?

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A very common request in psychotherapy is “How to get over my ex.”

Whether it involves a divorce, the unexpected end of a long-term relationship, or even being “ghosted” after a few dates, a breakup is painful, and it is important to process your hurt.

The time someone needs to move on varies widely.You may feel better after a few days if a short relationship ends, but when a significant or long-term relationship ends, it can take much longer to feel truly okay, especially if the breakup was not your choice, if the relationship was difficult, or if there was infidelity.

Why do I feel so bad?

A breakup is a loss. Even if you initiated it or believe it was for the best, getting over a relationship often follows the same process as grief.You may grieve not only the relationship but also the future you imagined.It is normal to move through the following stages again and again until you accept the loss and begin to feel well.

Denial

It is common to cope with intense and often unexpected emotions by pretending that the loss or the change causing them is not happening.Denial is a defense mechanism observed in most people, and it is a natural and often helpful response. It protects the psyche from the impact of a sudden emotional shock.It gives us time, when we have just experienced something threatening, deeply unpleasant, or unwanted, such as a breakup, to gradually process the new information and adapt to the new circumstances.

Anger

As you move out of denial, very intense emotions begin to surface, and feeling anger is completely normal.In reality, anger hides pain and fear beneath it, emotions that, for many people, are harder to accept and express than anger itself.Anything can become the target of your anger, your ex, your boss, fate, yourself, even inanimate objects.Even when your logic tells you the object of your anger is not responsible for how you feel, your emotions are too overwhelming at this stage for you to accept it.

Bargaining

Bargaining often goes hand in hand with denial.During this stage, you may feel guilt, regret, and search desperately for ways to win the relationship back.You may replay what you could have done differently, make promises or ultimatums, or even “negotiate” with Higher Powers, promising to become a better person if your ex returns.Bargaining is also a useful defense mechanism that protects you from the hopelessness of finality.

Sadness

Perhaps the most difficult stage of loss is sadness or depression.Sadness can take many forms, you may feel overwhelmed, constantly tired, unable to concentrate, you may eat less or more than usual, not want to get out of bed, cry often, feel disconnected from others, avoid friends, struggle to sleep or sleep excessively, lose interest in activities you once enjoyed, turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms or addictions, and, at worst, feel despair or a sense of meaninglessness.You may believe nothing will ever change, that you will never move forward, and that there is no better future ahead.

If you feel “stuck” in this stage, it is important to reach out to a mental health professional.

Acceptance

Gradually, as you move through the other stages, sometimes in a non-linear order, you begin to accept the loss of the relationship.You may not have fully “gotten over” your ex, but you have accepted that the relationship is over.Your sadness no longer stops you from living your life as you want.You may still feel moments of sorrow, but you no longer feel despair.

How can psychotherapy help me?

A therapist is not only there to listen.They offer a neutral and grounded perspective that your close friends or family may not be able to provide, because they are emotionally involved with you or may have had hopes and expectations for your relationship.

A mental health professional will help you:

• process and manage difficult emotions effectively

• identify and challenge distorted beliefs about relationships

• recognize repeating patterns in your relational difficulties

• develop healthier coping strategies for the future

• understand what you truly want

• clarify what a “healthy” relationship means to you

Psychotherapy provides a safe environment where you can explore the pain of the breakup, while you also:

• build emotional resilience

• develop new communication skills that lead to healthier future relationships

• understand and establish your boundaries

• explore how you relate to or depend on others

• learn new things about yourself through this breakup that help you accept it and move forward

• strengthen your self-confidence and embrace your independence

You may find it difficult to adjust to life without your partner. Even so, recognizing and accepting your feelings is the first step in healing and moving on.

It is important to remember that feeling better is not a single moment, it is a process.

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